Man, I can hear the comments now—how can this be a woodpecker if his head’s not read?
Because I’m a woman! You gotta problem with that?
Lookit my belly. See the red spot? See my beak, the better to peck your sexist head?
I’M A FEMALE AND EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS MY RED-HEADED MATE!
He says I’m the most beautiful bird in earth and he should know. My name, in case you’re interested is Wendy, and I’m pleased to meet you.